I think there lies within every individual some basic need to leave behind a legacy.
A man spends his life painting every day in order to one day hang his paintings in a gallery and have people tell him that the paintings are beautiful. A teenager practices the guitar in his room for several years in order to become good enough to become a rock star; to write a million songs about everything he cares about and have people listen intently. There are certainly some that are only out for the fame and the glory but I believe that in everyone there is this need to create something that will last.
I myself have tried for many years to find something that I feel I am good enough to make a living of and consequentially I have been too harsh with myself to the point where I don’t show people much of what I create. I’m an unmotivated perfectionist of the worst sort.
When I was younger I would write long discourses on what ever crossed my mind, vast and near-neverending trains of thought and poetry that I posted online and that were, to me, beautiful. I learned how to write decent English because of this and it gave me joy to see others enjoying what I had written. At some point it became trivial and boring and I feel that I have since lost the ability to write as freely as I once could, perhaps a result of aging or as a result of creative fatigue.
I was good at it and I quit.
I spent many years writing music for myself, for friends, for films, and so forth until the point where it has become almost a robotic maneouver; something I just do because I can and because it is something I know. I’ve never tasted fame or mass recognition because of it and all I have to show for it so far are a limited cassette release on a blog label, being mentioned in end credits of a few minor films and some pittance from digital downloads. Still, I enjoy it.
I was good at it and I still am.
I took up drawing for a few years, learning basic human anatomy from Youtube videos and PDF-files I downloaded from pirate websites. I traveled around Eastern Europe for a few months by myself and thoroughly enjoyed sitting outside cafès drawing people and painting skin tones with cappucino and wine.
I don’t draw much now but I am OK at it.
It has taken me 23 years to realize that I can never do anything perfectly and that I should be content with what I create and that I should be proud enough of it to show it to other people. Art is something I should just do, free from the restraints of views, statistics, criticism, galleries, vernissages, fame and pretense. It is something I should enjoy.
I’ve not yet found my masterpiece or even the means for me to begin working towards it but I will continue making these videos about my life and my thoughts for the rest of my life. They will be truthful and they will be an honest representation of an individual trying to create something that is his in a increasingly individually polarized world.
Perhaps, when I am 80 years old and on my deathbed my children will be able to view these videos in order that they may learn from them and perhaps even be inspired.
I have not yet found my masterpiece but I think I may have found my grand project.